Beware the yawn factor

Author : em-admin

Posted : 16 / 11 / 08

Beware the ‘yawn factor’ when selling your organisation in writing. Attention spans are short and lots of clichÃ©d customer-service terminology won’t do you any favours.

Take this example from the Olympus website:

Under the umbrella of Olympus Europa we in the U.K give the best possible support to our customers by providing:

A wide range of value added solutions to meet customer demands
Flexible working approach to achieve time sensitive order requirements
A Supply Chain working closely with both O.E. and the market place providing the vital link between sales and production, monitoring stock movement and demand v forecast – ensuring optimum stock levels are maintained
A 24 hour delivery service to all of our customers

Customer service makes our company ‘Olympus UK Ltd’ what it is today – a very successful, caring organisation run by ‘special’ people that make a positive difference. The UK Distribution Centre, based in West London, supports this concept wholeheartedly. Therefore an in-depth understanding of the UK market place has built up enabling us to act and react to our customers [sic] needs. Our role is supportive to OEDC (Olympus European Distribution Centre) enhancing performance to provide the best service whilst maintaining an acceptable level of cost. Communication is of paramount importance in establishing this understanding thereby developing an extremely healthy working relationship, providing a platform for success.

Wordy bullets

Using bullet points works well. They are easy to read and make text stand out. The problem here is that most are wordy and cumbersome.

The first one talks about ‘value added solutions’. As opposed to what? A value diminished solution? ‘Value added’ is meaningless corporate speak. It means nothing to the customer.

The second one refers to ‘time sensitive requirements’. Surely 99 per cent of orders are time sensitive? How often do customers place an order without caring when they receive it?

And the third one explains how the supply chain works. But customers won’t care about the logistics of how Olympus maintains its stock levels. They just need to know that stock will be available when they need it.

Also, the introductory sentence – about the Olympus Europa umbrella – is pointless here. As far as customers are concerned, there is only one Olympus.

So, we could simplify this paragraph to read:

At Olympus in the UK, we support our customers by:

offering a wide range of solutions for your needs
responding to your orders promptly
maintaining optimum stock levels at all times
guaranteeing a 24-hour delivery service.

Cut the clichÃ©s

Now look back at that second paragraph. It goes on a bit, doesn’t it? Cutting back on the clichÃ©d and redundant phrases like ‘support this concept wholeheartedly’ and ‘is of paramount importance’ would simplify the message, making it easier to read and understand.

There are a couple of other issues to address too. ‘Special people’ is ambiguous, as is ‘an acceptable cost’. And ‘enabling us to act and react to our customers needs’ is grammatically wrong. (It should be ‘enabling us to act on and react to our customers’ needs’.)

This paragraph is basically trying to explain, using far too many words, that Olympus UK offers a speedy and efficient service to its customers at a reasonable price.

Instead, it could say:

Our customer service is at the heart of our success. Olympus UK is run by people who care and want to make a difference. Based at our UK Distribution Centre in west London, they have an in-depth understanding of the UK market. This enables us to respond to and anticipate our customers’ needs. We believe that good communication is vital to establishing good relationships with our customers. And our ultimate aim is to offer them a speedy and efficient service at a reasonable cost.

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